A funny feeling... Thanks Pamela.
A feeling of light and airiness bubbled up inside of me today. Something I haven't felt in weeks. No, years (about this particular situation). Otherwise known as hope. It fluttered around like a little butterfly in my heart.
What happened you may ask? For years I have struggled with my weight. All my life, actually. I haven't had a waistline since I was 7. My accupuncturist and I discovered I had parasites, and that that was probably the time I got them- which incidentally was the first time I visited India as a child and probably picked them up there.
Anyway, long story short, and almost 30 years of weight gain and weight loss and overeating, I'm almost 200 pounds- 2 shy to be precise and at my heaviest of all time. This may not be a big deal if you watch the Biggest Loser, but for me, it's everything. It's the focus of my day, and the seed of my self loathing tape that plays constantly over and over and over in my head.
I was complaining to my acupuncturist last week after being in treatment with her for the past 3 months and still not having lost weight. Her response to me was, "I have an insight." I asked, "What?". "You eat too much." Point blank. "We go to lunch together and you eat enough for like 4 people. Ordering extra rice, greasy noodles. You talk about wanting to lose weight, but I don't see you doing anything towards actually making that happen. In fact, I see you doing the opposite." She went on to suggest Weight Watchers, and made a good case for it. They're scientific. they spend all this time and money on developing methods of weight loss. Plus there's the element of the group. You need to see that there are other people like you. There are fat people who are happy and fat people who are unhappy. You need to disassociate the two. I was convinced. I had no other option anyway. [Well you always have other options. The question is whether or not you know it at the time.]
So, today, I was at dance class- it's this great Brazilian dance class that I go to every week. The thing is- you have to look at the mirror. And I can't do that. It's very hard for me because I see my fat self- bulging stomach, round thighs, and ballooned ass. It's either that or look at my athletic and beautiful instructor. Most of the time, I like to look at her and pretend I'm looking at myself. Only today, we had to do a turn, where you have to spin your body really fast and find your gaze in the mirror. I wasforced to look at myself. And it wasn't pretty.
I was planning on joining tomorrow, but I just felt so inspired. So energized and so I went. The meeting was incredible. I felt floaty- engulfed by this warm community of primarily women who were all there for the same reason. And all we did was celebrate. And talk about what works and what doesn't work. There wasn't an ounce of judgement in the room. Only this wide open, sweeping sense of support.
One woman lost 19 pounds, another 6. A couple of people had come to their 10% mark [whatever that means]. All I saw was that they got a keychain, and I felt good. (It's strange how the human psyche works- that one would get so excited about a keychain when linked to something one desperately wants.)
And these 2 women- who could easily be classified as extremely obese- were amazing. They were vibrant and fun and full of light. They referred to their husband this, and their fiance that. And I realized, Oh, you can be fat and find love. It was like a revolution for me. For so long I have denied myself. I've denied myself love and friendship and just overall, compassion because I'm fat and I hate the way I look. I have hated myself. These women taught me so much. It was like letting a spigot go loose that's been wanting to flow for centuries. My acupuncturist was right. You can be fat and happy, and fatness and happiness are two separate things, and it's about time in my 34 years that I learned that.
I have no idea what this journey holds for me, but I can tell you I was all over that point system and seriously wanted to aim my WWPoints Plus calculator at every piece of food in my house to see its value. They've made it fun, like a game. I'm excited to play, at least for now. Let's see how I do over the coming weeks. My intention- hmm. My intention is to become healthy- screw that. My intention is to lose 33 pounds, get my fabulous size 8/10 body back and get to wear and play in all of the sexy clothes I got to flounce around in 6 years ago before life launched me into unchartered territory and I decided to wrap myself in layers of emotional jello (aka fat) to protect myself. Here's to winning a victory and running a marathon in your head.
Oh, by the way, I'm also making a movie and have ahead of me to raise $100,000 (at least) to make it. SO, we'll see how things go. These two things are intrinsically linked. The better I feel about myself, the more successful I am. This blog is dedicated to the journey ahead of me. I offer it up in reverence.
