Day 3
I have so much to say. So many thoughts running around in my head...
First off- I have so much work to do, and How am I going to get it done?!! I've decided to have a completed script and business plan by the time my Guru comes to town- April 16th. The plan is for him to see it, and bless it. And magically, Gracefully, I will find someone to finance it because the project will be ready to finance.
The only problem is- I have to do the rewrite. And the business plan. The business plan, I moan?!! Oh god, do you have any idea how long it takes to write a good one? And how hard they are? (At least that is the sense I'm getting from my teacher of the independent business plan class I'm in.) And if it's independent, and directed by a first time director- it better damn well be stellar. Nothing that can be knocked down easily. The script and the Biz plan have to be solid.
Jeez, I feel like I'm placing such high obstacles in front of me. And I can see now, that I'm the one doing it! I'm the one placing the obstacles in front of me. Making it a big deal, like it's an insurmountable mountain. I just have to relax and surrender, and let the Grace carry me. Yeah. What about Grace? What about letting go and seeing how things unfold? I have to do this, otherwise I will strangle my writing to death and no creativity will flow out of me.
OK. This moment, I surrender back to the Divine.
In terms of my weight loss adventure, I feel I have a lot of explaining to do to my viewers. I need to tell you how I got here- for I have a long, dramatic, well thought out story that I tell in my head that justifies how I ended up weighing 200 pounds. Want to hear it?
Here's my weight history: I had a perfect body around 5 years ago. I had lost 15 pounds, was around a size 8-10, and I was loving it! I bought sexy clothes, lived in skirts and cute blouses, and was Ho-ot! Got double takes all the time.
This makes me want to rewind even more- as I said, my acupuncturist and I discovered I had parasites, and theorized that I likely got them when I was 7. Now, when you get a parasite, it puts your body in a massive state of alert and uneasiness, which leads to anxiety and often, to compensate, one starts to overeat. (Does this sound like fluff?) Well, it makes sense to me. I was a normal skinny kid until I was 7. That's when I remember starting to overeat and starting to have a belly. Anyway, who cares about the past right? It's all over...? Anyway, that's what I traced these patterns back to. I do remember starting to overeat at that age. By the time I was 13, I was a tubby, chubby teen, and very unhappy. Also, at my previous all time high- around 176. (I'm 5'7" and heavy boned, so I didn't look that bad, but I was fat.)
I joined the cross country team when I was 14, and lost lots of weight during high school and through my first year of college I was yo-yo-ing back and forth between these 5-10 pounds. I started gaining weight in college, and after, when I went to India, I was almost back to my all time high. Then, my mom passed away. Needless to say, I ate my way out of it. (Or did I?) I would say I ate my way into an additional layer of emotional jello to protect myself. (Every time life has taken me around a surprising bend, I eat. I eat as if there's no tomorrow and add a layer of fat onto my body. I often imagine what my "fat making habits" would be like if they were an animated film. You would see a cute little pixie who flits and floats around, but at the slightest disturbance, she gets scared and runs away. She runs behind a curtain, and it blacks out. The next shot, you see the world from her point of view. She's blinking heavily and slowly, as if arising from a blackout. She tries to get up. She looks at her arms and her legs, and a new skin has arrived. It's as if a shield has developed around her. She looks behind her and there's a pile of discarded wrappers and vegetable peels. She doesn't know what happened, only that she feels heavier. And every time she gets scared, she runs away behind that curtain. And gets fatter. That's me. That's the way I work. The problem is, I don't have a way to let go of all of these extra layers of skin. I need to find a way to let go of them.)
When I went to my first weight watchers meeting, the lady at the front of the room had us all mentally complete a statement, "_______ works for me to lose weight, and ________ doesn't." Then she asked us to share. One woman said, when I stay positive, it works for me, and when I'm negative, it doesn't. I said, "I don't know what works for me, and frankly I'm at the end of my rope, but I know what doesn't work for me is denying myself. Because then I just rebel." I must say that they've comprised quite a genius system. The point system really works. (Well I'm only on Day 3 and have yet to meet my points for the day.) But what I really like about it is that you can eat anything. There are no restrictions on what you can and cannot eat. I find so much freedom and flexibility in this. And the point system is really a system of accountability to yourself. So, I find myself eating less simply because I dont' want to enter it into the computer. It's like the points are your conscience. And it's like a game. At least that's how I feel now!
Anyway, back to my original thought- how I got here. Last spring was the eve to my mother's 10 year death anniversary. I was literally depressed for 2 months. I didn't think that was possible, but it was, and all I did was eat. For 2 months straight. I shoved everything that tasted good that I could get my hands on into my mouth. Alas, a new skin had grown onto me, and I weighed 198. I was a fat cow for my mother's memorial in June, barely able to fit into my saree blouse. (traditional Indian clothing)
Now, 9 months later (incidentally, the time it takes to have a baby), it is time for me to shed this skin. Oh, I forgot to mention the other "skin" incident that sent me 15 pounds higher- film school. As I was saying, 5 years ago, I had lost weight and had the perfect body. Well, I want my body back. My psyche apparently could barely handle the fact that I was entering the career of my life, finding my gift, where I belong, accessing my power, and in a graduate program with primarily pre-pubescent 25 year old boys. I was totally overwhelmed and pigged out on Denny's onion rings, Cheetos, and Baskin Robbins hot fudge sundaes (all readily available around USC's main campus.)
SO, now you know the story of "How I got here" and the funny thing is, after writing it down, I realize it's all just justification for me being where I'm at today. It's an excuse. An excuse that legitimizes a health threatening, psyche crushing, self loathing situation. I don't have to hold onto this excuse anymore. I can let it go. I can offer it up into the ether where it can dissolve into a million particles this moment. And I can instead, take responsibility for where I'm at. This is where I'm at.
It's not because of my mother's death anniversary, or because of film school. It's because of the choices I made. And I can unmake them. In fact, I already have. I have started down a path of a different choice that will lead me to a new destination. Plus it's fun. Who ever thought that losing weight could be fun? We'll I'm telling you, I'm having fun.
