Pizza Binge- You know it had to come, you just didn't know when...

Above are the remains of my lunch.  Yes, I ate pizza. New York style, big sliced, awesome pesto smothered pizza.  Do I feel guilty? Partially. But the reason I'm proud to post this is- these are the remains of my lunch.  Meaning the leftovers.  The old Neelam would have just sat there and methodically eaten both slices until her plate was empty and her stomach bursting.  The new Neelam- without even thinking- (I was on the phone as I did this)- cut the slices in half and had them with a BIG salad, so I didn't feel too guilty.  

The salad is gone, otherwise I would have shown it to you- but it was, except for the 1/2 teaspoon of walnut oil and 1/2 tsp. of Maple syrup I put in to the dressing- fat free.  My salad consisted of:

LOW FAT SALAD TO ACCOMPANY GUILTY PLEASURES
-Red leaf lettuce
-shredded carrots
-hearts of palm
-diced Persian cucumbers

Dressing:
1/2 tsp. Walnut oil (or any good oil)
1/2 tsp. Balsamic vinegar
1/2 tsp. Maple Syrup.
I just poured these things directly on to my salad, didn't even bother to mix it separately.  The moisture in the just washed lettuce leaves acted as sort of a dilution and lubricant to the whole thing. It turned out nicely, and I took out all of my oral aggression (you know that thing that you do when you're angry or sad and you just bite into food with it? Well I did it on the salad. Pretty smart, huh?)

MY VICTORY is that the pizza in the picture is still sitting on my table.  An even greater victory is that I'm contemplating giving my GARDENER the leftovers. I would never have been able to part with this before, and that pizza that you see above would have been a mushy gush in my stomach.

And that takes me to Evidence B, below:  3 pieces of chocolate.  Again, YES I ATE CHOCOLATE and I'm supposed to be losing weight. Well, I can't give up all my bad habits at once. And chocolate is supposed to be good for you, right?

The point is similar in Evidence B- Below. By the way, these are excellent chocolates from a place down the street from me in Silver Lake: http://www.lartisanduchocolat.net/

This guy charges $69/lb for his chocolates. And if you see below, they are hand painted and completely worth it.  From left to right, they are Coconut, Raspberry, and the one with kaleidoscope red patterns is the best! Rose petal.

Anyway, this bag started off with 5 chocolates (I'm on a budget, so that's all I can afford. Actually that's more than I can afford, but I just get swayed when I go in there, and always spend more than I should.)

Now there's 3.  3 remaining! YAHOO!  The only reason for this is because I didn't stuff my face with them within 5 minutes of eating one.  I ate 2- the Dark Chocolate Ganache, and Dark chocolate Marzipan, and the left remain in tact, safe from the Foodie Monster, on my table.  I will eat them in time.

OK, time for confessional- Last night I had a bout of emotional eating.  You ask, why make a distinction from the above.  I answer- I wonder if I'm addicted to food? If so, I'm not ready to admit it yet.  Ok, fine. I am.  So, back to last night- I was depressed and being dramatic about how my life hasn't started yet, my career hasn't taken off enough, and in general, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life.    Now, I haven't done this in a while- I'd say in a week-  I decided I was so angry I was going to... I was going to.... I was going to stop at a bakery, damnit!  So, I'm watching myself through this entire episode, and am like, wow, I am really going to thrash my body and take out all my anger on myself through food.  I am about to poison myself with high fat concentrations and refined sugar because I feel bad. I am really weird.

So I did it. I stopped at Magnolia Bakery, a recent, and dangerous discovery.  Again, you walk in and there's always one more thing you want to buy and you can't or you really shouldn't.  This was the case. It was SO hard to choose.  I settled on the Peanut Butter Pie.  I don't want to talk about what was inside- just think peanut butter flavored cheesecake lightened with whipped cream beaten into it.  Deadly.  As the baker assistant described it to me, I just cut her off, and said, "I'm having that."

I got into my car- one of the things I hate about LA, and about my habits, is that my car is like my second home.  I gorged on the first bite. It was heavenly.  Now, I find this very humiliating, but I started my car, and started my standard- LA Eat n' Drive.  How many of you have done it? Am I not alone? It is the worst, most lacking in dignity move I pull on a way too regular basis.    So, anyway, I ate and drove for about a mile.  I looked down and a little less than half was remaining.  And I was satisfied.

I stopped eating it.  I let it go.  So, my point being in today's post- that yes, I'm still engaging in life threatening habits, the habits I couldn't let go of or stop a few weeks ago.  I'm not proud of it.  But the proportion of my engagement has changed.  I think that is the key. I'm hoping they'll drop off entirely- but really, am I ever going to give up NY style pizza?  PB pie? I will probably have to if I really want to get serious about weight loss. At least for a while.    Mentally I'm fighting this- saying WW gives me enough points for this.  But, really? How did anyone ever lose weight on pizza and pies? Get a grip, Neelam.  I can only pray that these addictions subside completely, or at least majorly.  I must celebrate though, that it is evident that their grip on me is loosening.  I will cling onto this small thread of victory...

Till next time. Wish me more salads, fresh fruits, and vegetables!