Sorry I haven't posted- but good news

Haven't been posting for a GREAT reason.  I have been hunched over my computer for the past few days placing the final touches on my script, Reckless Foodie Love.  For those of you who haven't seen the teaser, here it is: http://vimeo.com/18452893

THE GOOD NEWS:  I FINISHED TODAY!!! Yahoo!! I'm on top of the world!  This script has been eluding and evading me for months- not knowing what to write, what I wanted to say... Well, I finally figured it out- or more like I finally had the courage to commit to something.  I am so happy with this final draft, it sings.  I am happy because it is what I want to say, and not what someone else told me to say.

More to come as my journey unfolds.  I am excited and grateful to see where it takes me.  I couldn't have done any of this without the support and guidance of my mentors and my Guru, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.  His undying support and faith in me have carried me when I didn't believe in myself, and to him I owe a great deal.  I am truly feeling very grateful right now.

Next step-  Make a schedule and a budget. Then write a business plan.  Finally, find an investor and raise the money to shoot this film.   Wait, that's not the end, that's just the beginning of my headaches!  I will actually have to make the movie.  But that will be fun, a joy, a labor of love and light.  I won't feel pain or burden then- just flying.  Thank you all for your support!

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Condiment Festival

I cooked a lot yesterday. Can you tell I was resisting writing?
In fact that's what I'm doing now...

Sunflower Seed Chutney

I have this on toast with Avocados and sprouts.
Ground up Raw Sunflower seeds
Ground up Cumin
Red Chili Powder
Salt
Ghee

Lightly roast the mixture in a small amount of ghee. Be careful not to let the sunflower seeds burn, (which they can quite easily).

There's nothing like Homemade Hummus to satisfy a craving

Soaked, Cooked Organic Chickpeas
Ground up Raw Brown Sesame Seeds
Olive Oil
Lemon
Salt
+ Food Processor =  ___________________? (You get to fill in the blank)

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I lost 1.4 lbs last week!

Nothing is sweeter than the taste of success.

Mark my words, I'm on a roll here. That makes 1.6 pounds total.  More later. All I can say is that it was the best feeling in the world.  Another hope filled Weight Watchers Meeting. I made a new friend, who may turn into a hiking buddy, I lost weight, I feel good, I feel aware of what I'm eating!  This is great! (Imagine me jumping up and down on the ground.)

Now, I need to get my script done!  I am running out of money, and selling/financing my script is the only way I can move forward with this whole project.  The problem is, I'm afraid to use my voice.  I'm afraid of what you'll think of me.  I am going to a Voice Awareness Coach tomorrow who, hopefully will help me unlock my fear of using my own voice.  Strange, huh? I am so acutely aware right now in this moment of how terrified I am of really using my own voice. Voice is linked to power. And I am cut off from my power.  Well, the time has come for me to use my power.  It is time for me to make it happen. Walk the talk- in the arena of my career. I need to commit to a script.

I have spent the last 2 years- no- I don't even remember when this started!  But as long as I can remember, I've wanted to please someone outside of myself.  I spend my time placating others opinions, but never my own. Always too scared to look inside. What does Neelam think?  Nobody knows, because she's too busy covering herself with other peoples, (other experts'), opinions.  What about my opinion? Aren't I the expert on my own artwork?  Yes. But am I willing to risk it? Am I willing to take the risk to show the world who I am and potentially make a fool of myself? I am deathly afraid- and very aware in this moment of how much that fear is a part of me. It sits like a not in my chest. And I can hardly take a full breath.

I noticed this morning that I mostly only breath into my chest. I realized that that wasn't normal.  No, it's not normal to have to labor to breath into your stomach. To feel a knot of burning in your chest and solar plexus.  Do you feel that? Maybe you're cut off from your power too?!

Well, I am about to reclaim it. I don't know how, but I do know that awareness is the beginning of the end. Having awareness of ones' patterns- in my case, I am acutely, extremely, so aware of it right now- like I'm soaking in a vat of dirty fry oil- that kind of awareness...   I just hope and pray that I will overcome this fear and be able to use my own voice.  (Haaaaa. Exhale.)

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Kale Lentil Soup

OK, so I've been pretty bad lately. Eating pizza, pie, and chocolate.  Today, I had a pear in the morning, low fat fried eggs and toast, and later carrots and hummus. Pretty healthy, right?

Yesterday was my weigh in, but I couldn't go, because I got to meet Academy Award Winner David Seidler, the screenwriter of The King's Speech.  Don't worry, I was with a crowd of 300 others. But I did go up to him after to say hello.  

 This afternoon I got a real hankering for vegetable soup- perhaps because I was trying to make up for  all my "bad behavior" or maybe my body was just pleading with me for leafy greens. Whatever the case may be, I concocted this glorious blend that is now sloshing around in my stomach and making me feel very, very healthy and satisfied...

The greens are emerging from a pressure cooker.  Yes- I pressure cooked them for a very short time and they turned out perfectly.  Otherwise normally kale takes a long time to cook.  I've found a secret weapon to make it cook fast.

 
Kale Lentil Soup

-Kale, Bok Choy, and any other vegetable you may like
-Soaked Lentils- any kind that you like
-Sea Salt, Vegetable Bouillabaisse

Soak lentils overnight. (I like to soak lentils and keep them hanging around so they're ready for use at a moment's notice.)  Start the water boiling in the pressure cooker and add lentils. Meanwhile chop the vegetables and add them.  Pressure cook for 2 minutes and release the pressure. Season with salt and bouillabaisse.

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Pizza Binge- You know it had to come, you just didn't know when...

Above are the remains of my lunch.  Yes, I ate pizza. New York style, big sliced, awesome pesto smothered pizza.  Do I feel guilty? Partially. But the reason I'm proud to post this is- these are the remains of my lunch.  Meaning the leftovers.  The old Neelam would have just sat there and methodically eaten both slices until her plate was empty and her stomach bursting.  The new Neelam- without even thinking- (I was on the phone as I did this)- cut the slices in half and had them with a BIG salad, so I didn't feel too guilty.  

The salad is gone, otherwise I would have shown it to you- but it was, except for the 1/2 teaspoon of walnut oil and 1/2 tsp. of Maple syrup I put in to the dressing- fat free.  My salad consisted of:

LOW FAT SALAD TO ACCOMPANY GUILTY PLEASURES
-Red leaf lettuce
-shredded carrots
-hearts of palm
-diced Persian cucumbers

Dressing:
1/2 tsp. Walnut oil (or any good oil)
1/2 tsp. Balsamic vinegar
1/2 tsp. Maple Syrup.
I just poured these things directly on to my salad, didn't even bother to mix it separately.  The moisture in the just washed lettuce leaves acted as sort of a dilution and lubricant to the whole thing. It turned out nicely, and I took out all of my oral aggression (you know that thing that you do when you're angry or sad and you just bite into food with it? Well I did it on the salad. Pretty smart, huh?)

MY VICTORY is that the pizza in the picture is still sitting on my table.  An even greater victory is that I'm contemplating giving my GARDENER the leftovers. I would never have been able to part with this before, and that pizza that you see above would have been a mushy gush in my stomach.

And that takes me to Evidence B, below:  3 pieces of chocolate.  Again, YES I ATE CHOCOLATE and I'm supposed to be losing weight. Well, I can't give up all my bad habits at once. And chocolate is supposed to be good for you, right?

The point is similar in Evidence B- Below. By the way, these are excellent chocolates from a place down the street from me in Silver Lake: http://www.lartisanduchocolat.net/

This guy charges $69/lb for his chocolates. And if you see below, they are hand painted and completely worth it.  From left to right, they are Coconut, Raspberry, and the one with kaleidoscope red patterns is the best! Rose petal.

Anyway, this bag started off with 5 chocolates (I'm on a budget, so that's all I can afford. Actually that's more than I can afford, but I just get swayed when I go in there, and always spend more than I should.)

Now there's 3.  3 remaining! YAHOO!  The only reason for this is because I didn't stuff my face with them within 5 minutes of eating one.  I ate 2- the Dark Chocolate Ganache, and Dark chocolate Marzipan, and the left remain in tact, safe from the Foodie Monster, on my table.  I will eat them in time.

OK, time for confessional- Last night I had a bout of emotional eating.  You ask, why make a distinction from the above.  I answer- I wonder if I'm addicted to food? If so, I'm not ready to admit it yet.  Ok, fine. I am.  So, back to last night- I was depressed and being dramatic about how my life hasn't started yet, my career hasn't taken off enough, and in general, I don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life.    Now, I haven't done this in a while- I'd say in a week-  I decided I was so angry I was going to... I was going to.... I was going to stop at a bakery, damnit!  So, I'm watching myself through this entire episode, and am like, wow, I am really going to thrash my body and take out all my anger on myself through food.  I am about to poison myself with high fat concentrations and refined sugar because I feel bad. I am really weird.

So I did it. I stopped at Magnolia Bakery, a recent, and dangerous discovery.  Again, you walk in and there's always one more thing you want to buy and you can't or you really shouldn't.  This was the case. It was SO hard to choose.  I settled on the Peanut Butter Pie.  I don't want to talk about what was inside- just think peanut butter flavored cheesecake lightened with whipped cream beaten into it.  Deadly.  As the baker assistant described it to me, I just cut her off, and said, "I'm having that."

I got into my car- one of the things I hate about LA, and about my habits, is that my car is like my second home.  I gorged on the first bite. It was heavenly.  Now, I find this very humiliating, but I started my car, and started my standard- LA Eat n' Drive.  How many of you have done it? Am I not alone? It is the worst, most lacking in dignity move I pull on a way too regular basis.    So, anyway, I ate and drove for about a mile.  I looked down and a little less than half was remaining.  And I was satisfied.

I stopped eating it.  I let it go.  So, my point being in today's post- that yes, I'm still engaging in life threatening habits, the habits I couldn't let go of or stop a few weeks ago.  I'm not proud of it.  But the proportion of my engagement has changed.  I think that is the key. I'm hoping they'll drop off entirely- but really, am I ever going to give up NY style pizza?  PB pie? I will probably have to if I really want to get serious about weight loss. At least for a while.    Mentally I'm fighting this- saying WW gives me enough points for this.  But, really? How did anyone ever lose weight on pizza and pies? Get a grip, Neelam.  I can only pray that these addictions subside completely, or at least majorly.  I must celebrate though, that it is evident that their grip on me is loosening.  I will cling onto this small thread of victory...

Till next time. Wish me more salads, fresh fruits, and vegetables!

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-.2 Pounds. What?!!!

OK. So I haven't been posting much this week.  Yes, I'm angry.

I went to my last WW meeting last Tuesday all set and excited to see how many pounds I'd lost. I was confident that I'd lost at least a pound.   I was all on board with this slow weight loss thing, and the whole lifestyle change thing, but I had worked hard the week prior. I was constantly aware of what I was eating, and had incorporated at least 4 more cups of greens into my diet the previous week.  I was elated, I could tell my belly was shrinking, my clothes fitting me ever so slightly better, and I was prepared to step on that scale, and see my weight had shrunken by at least a whole number.

I jauntily stepped up to the weigh in cubicle- WW has little stations where you can place all of your "heavy" items like your purse or in my case, my fleece sweatshirt, on a chair, take your shoes off, and step up to the scale.  Writing it down, it sounds horrific, but it's great. It's your sort of goal marker for the week. It helps you get a sense of where you've been and how you've done.  It's instant feedback and I respect that...

So, I looked down at the number pad, and I see my weight. I instantly do the math (it's not hard). I've only lost .2 lbs!  !!!  My heart is beating, my head light, and I sit down at my chair. Thoughts racing through my head.  'But, but I did all of the points.  I even came in under my points for the week.... This isn't fair!... I'm still fat after all this hard work... I'll be fat forever!'  I was so preoccupied, I could hardly participate in the meeting, and when the leader asked us to share what we'd changed and what had worked, even though I had made some major changes for myself, I didn't feel like sharing- since none of it apparently had worked.

I was SO ANGRY.  I walked out of that meeting and the next day shoved a $5 brownie down my throat- well I reserved a little less than half of it for the next day.  I must admit WW has had a positive influence on me. I don't finish my desserts anymore in one go. I don't finish anything worth a lot of points off in one go anymore.  The game aspect is somewhat fun, if not frantic. I find myself constantly trying to conserve my points.  Except for when I'm angry and rebelling against "THE SYSTEM" of course.

Anyway, I stuck with it. It's now Sunday, and in 2 more days, I'll go back to another WW meeting, hopefully at least another .2 lbs lighter!  Have I learned to temper my expectations? Hell no! I still want to see that pound difference from week to week. Do I aim to high? Perhaps my effort levels are too low. I remember the last time I lost weight I was working out like crazy 4-5 days a week. Meaning drenched with sweat on a treadmill for 45 min.  No, I haven't chosen to pursue that route this time- perhaps because I'm lazy, but mainly because that's not necessarily what my program calls for.  Does this make WW bad? I don't know. We'll see. What I do know is that every crazy weight loss kick I've gone on hasn't lasted and I end up doing some or all of the following: hating it, eating more "healthy food" and gaining more weight, rebelling and going on a sugar-fat kick for a couple of weeks, and in general not losing weight.  Plus I have an emotional roller coaster ride along the way.

I like the slow, easy pace of this so far. It's gentleness, the friendly vibe I feel from the people who go to these meetings, and I like the idea of it being a long distance run.  Who knows- maybe an intensive work out schedule is necessary for me to lose all my pounds. It couldn't hurt.  And perhaps it's on the way.  One thing I have liked is my increase in physical activity in general.  WW incentivizes physical activity by giving you additional points for it.  So I find myself walking vigorously for at least 20 minutes every day.  This is something I have been wanting to do, and reading in Weight loss text books for years, but I could never motivate myself to do it.  My hats off the the psychologists behind WW. The found a winning formula for me. And I'm thankful for this.  I actually get off my ass every day and walk and am enjoying it. Then I get to punch it into the computer and see an accrual of assets(points). Very satisfying.

This comes to the final point in my long ramble-rant.  Well 2 points.  One- the WW leader asked me if I had kicked up the level of physical activity in my regimen. I had. She said then, you have to start measuring yourself with other ways besides body weight. Measure your arms, legs, and waist.  Any number of factors are possible in slow weight loss- water retention, your cycle, increase in muscle mass. I looked it up, and she's right:   I found this great article on slow weight loss and fat loss plateaus:
http://www.burnthefatblog.com/archives/2011/01/unexplainable-fat-loss-plateaus-explained.php

My second point- she said I was using the TLAR method. Ever heard of it? I'm sure you've used it.  TLAR, as in "That Looks About Right" and eyeballing all of your food. For the past week, I had estimated and eyeballed everything I ate.  I watched this rather horrifying video about what happens when you do that.  Everyone should see this, though it still hasn't motivated me to buy a food scale. That will be the next step towards obsession for me in this Weight loss battle. But maybe it will give me some freedom. Either way, I won't give in to it fully.

Here's the link. It's called "Shocking Weightloss Video" - Ha ha. If their intention is to scare us into submission, it sort of worked on me.
http://www.tomvenuto.com/articles/shocking_fat_loss_video.shtml

Anyway, this week I have been much better about at least measuring my rice and peanut butter and maple syrup in a cup or table spoon.  So at least I'm honest about how much I'm eating.

We'll see if it has any effect. I don't necessarily feel or see that I've lost a terrible amount of weight this week, but who knows, hopefully this mindset leads to the opposite outcome this coming week.

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Fiber

It's 11AM and I've already spent half my WW points, and I'm wondering why I'm eating like a pig.   I don't feel like saying what I've eaten.

Wait!  I remember- I didn't take my fiber last night or this morning.  If anyone wants to clean out their digestive system or lose weight or just start having regular bowel movements, take fiber.  I recently discovered it, and let me tell you, I can't sing its praises enough.  In a talk on happiness, my guru, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, referred to how it changes with age.  For a child, it may be pizza, or a brightly colored lollipop; for a middle aged person, it's a new car or a house or a sexy lover;  but, for an old man, happiness is in a good bowel movement.  

Need I say more?

This is Trader Joe's brand. I find they have the best deal. Plus a funky Egyptian label.

I usually do about a tablespoon in a 8 oz. glass of water.  The serving size says 2 tbsp, and I have a friend who does that, but honestly, I can't stomach it.  I have to warn you- drinking whole psylium husk takes courage.  It's an odd and gelatinous feeling going down your throat.  But once it's in your stomach, a calm, soothing sensation settles over you, and you feel full, satisfied, and satiated.

I've been taking fiber- a glass in the morning and before bed- for the past few weeks, and it has dramatically reduced my appetite. In general, I don't feel hunger pangs, which can be good and bad.  Today was a nice reminder of what extreme hunger pangs can feel like, but honestly, I'd rather not go through them. It's much better, in my opinion, to go through the day feeling full, and then choose when you need to eat.

All for now.

**N

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